Fire Fiasco by Nicola Foster
When I switched the oven on to self-clean, as the children and I pottered about on the first day of the holidays, I could not have predicted how quickly my day would deteriorate and for once it was in no way the fault of the children. About 40 minutes into the cycle, an unmistakable orange flicker caught my eye in the oven. As I tried not to panic, I recalled the instruction manual mentioning that as the temperature can exceed 1000C, there is a small risk of fire. It should have mentioned that if some fat from one of the best pieces of crackling ever made should fall onto the oven floor, you should clear that away before embarking on a self clean.
Children have a general assumption that adults will always know what to do. This is not always the case. Despite turning the oven off, the fire persisted and, worried it would escape from the confines of the oven, I felt I had no alternative but to call the fire brigade. The children reacted very differently. The 8 year old was wide eyed and nervous. The 4 year old cried but brightened considerably at the mention of a fire engine and the 7 year old leapt about, declaring it the "best day of my life" which I found rather disturbing. As I prattled on to the Operator, she interrupted sharply, asking "What is that banging noise?" I had to confess that not only were we still in the house but the 7 year old was clacking round the kitchen in my best pair of high heels.
The Operator instructed us to wait at the front of the house for the fire brigade. As we waited, it occurred to me I should probably inform the childrens' father there was a chance he may return to a smouldering ruin. The account of our conversation varies depending on which one of us you speak to. I remember saying "Hi, don't panic but there is a small fire in the oven" and then addressing the 7 year old - "Don't go back inside the house". He heard "Hi, THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOOOOWWWW". Dropping his phone, he wailed "My house is burning down" and fled straight home.
By now two fire engines, and what seemed like 50 firemen, had arrived and filed into the house. Thirty seconds later they filed back out again, reporting the fire had put itself out. Whilst this was obviously good news, I felt a little humiliated that I had called 2 fire engines to a fire that was able to put itself out. By now, the children were practically collapsing with excitement, despite having failed an impromptu fire safety test by saying it was ok to keep popping back inside for things. I, on the other hand, had become acutely aware my on-line shop was due to arrive at any point and I was uncertain what the etiquette is regarding taking delivery whilst an emergency service is in situ. I then glanced at my mobile and noticed 14 missed calls from the children's father who, if my calculations were correct, would arrive home just in time to unpack the shopping.